by Christina
(New York)

The other day, my friend told me she had a fear of holes, tripophobia. Upon hearing this I got disgusted and thought I might have a similar fear. I looked it up online and immediately pictures came up of disgusting images of clustery holes. I already have intense anxiety, and this anxiety makes everything that bothers me eat away at me. So, it bothers me that I judge people and then realize that I am doing the same thing. This eats away at me and causes me to have anxiety attacks. The same thing is with holes. I'm actually starting to feel depressed on how quickly this fear has taken over my life. Whenever I see a cluster of holes now, I freeze up and get itchy all over. This started happening before I even read about other people's stories. I also get Goosebumps, which is terrible because that makes me even more nauseated. The worse part is that holes are EVERYWHERE, and I imagine them even where they are not. I love the outdoors but I have been avoiding it since my fear came about. I can't even look at my own freckles without wanting to puke! My family tells me it is stupid and gets annoyed by me, making nothing easier for me. My sister also made it worse when I started staring at her freckles on her forehead in fear and she asked me what I was looking at. I said, "holes" very quietly as to not puke up on the floor and she was mad because she thought I was talking about her pores (which aren't even large)) and said that everyone has pores. EVERYONE HAS PORES!! I am so nauseous thinking about it and every five seconds I have to stop and scratch myself because for some reason holes make me itchy. I also can't eat because with the thought of holes in my head everything disgusts me. The word holes has become my arch nemesis I just want to scream! It is horrible but my aunts used to have the chicken pox and when you scratch the chicken pox it gives you little hole like scars which they have all over their face because they had bad self control as children. It wouldn't be noticeable if it weren't for the anxiety holes give me. Also, the itchiness isn't just little itchiness that gets annoying and that I have to scratch out of annoyance, it is itchiness that makes me jump and I have to scratch it right away. Sorry if this gives you Tripophobia. I think I need to see a therapist. Just as some added symptoms, I cry when I can't get the thoughts out of my head, I can't focus, I have shortness of breath, and I have nightmares about people covered in holes running up to me. I wake up crying and come home everyday screaming into my pillow. Just to let you know, I looked up this fear and it has a name (the one listed) but it is not considered official or an actual fear. I have no idea what to do if this isn't a fear. I am to scheived out to post a picture, so you will have to look it up yourself.

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