The fear of being.

To be honest, I don't even know if this can really be considered a phobia and is somewhat difficult to place into words, but...

To what, I think, most people take for granted as maturing into a developed character, I shy away like a hermit coming to light.

I retain what I am/was at the point where, I suppose, I felt most comfortable in my life. In younger years, I had a lot of positive exposure. Even then, though people wanted to be "like me", I felt I really had no sense of self. (Something that toddlers develop in the first few years of their lives and continue to prosper as they find interests and dislikes. Shaping a personality.) I kind of felt like maybe they felt like a nobody too, but what did they see about me that they wanted to be?

I am/was someone who people have always felt comfortable coming to and opening up to about things I can't imagine sharing with the person I trusted most. Yet, I've always been very careful not to divulge anything, really, about myself.

People who would consider themselves "Best Friends" of mine, can't tell you the most basic things about me. Favorite color, food, animal, music, anything.

I look like someone who is strong, confident, and expressive, but I don't even know the first thing about myself to express. I have such a strong judgment I can pass off on other people, picking out the things I love/hate/envy/loathe about them. When it comes to me... who am I?

I'm scared to even hear the answer from someone else. Even if I did hear it, I wouldn't believe it and throw myself into denile like I AM someone who is so solid in persona.

I'm afraid to move on in my life, get a job, meet people, everything. I don't understand really when this fear developed or how I got so far down the rabbit hole that I lost all my friends and segregated myself so distantly.

At one point earlier on, when I guess the fear began to build up into a phobia, I thought I should just lie about everything. People ate it up like they had before even when I hadn't lied. I figured they were either shallow-fucks or they must just really like who I am. But that is an answer I've fed myself over and over, but never really believe it.

I'm at a point now, where I think most people have somewhat of an idea of what to do or where to go, and I've locked myself away for years. Literally, in the past 3 years I can count the times I've actually left my house without using any toes...

I feel like I have strong motivation, but when it comes to performance... it's like I'm a nail and when I go to better myself, there's a hammer waiting to pummel me down.

I realize this fear is self-inflicted, but what am I to do to overcome this? I've estranged myself from the little family I had. (My mother and father separated when I was 3 or 4, it's been my sister and mother for the majority of my life.)

I'm rambling now... I kind of just want to exit out of this and just pretend I never even wrote this...

In short, I'm deathly scared to be someone. To change. I'm anybody to worry about that, the world doesn't even know me.

Maybe some of you... feel the same?

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