Thanatophobia...Do I really suffer from this?

by Jason
(Maine, USA)

Hello, I am a 27/M and I was taking anti-depressants for the last five years or so and I made a big mistake, I tried to quit them without help from a doctor.
I will tell you, and I am sure some of you already know, that doing what I did can really screw you up.
I was/am taking Effexor XR, which is hard to quit in the first place.
I had the brain-zaps, chills and dizzy spells, but then it all stopped one day, about a month later.
I thought, well I don't have to depend on these drugs anymore.
I wanted to be able to sort of heal myself, not be dependant on medications of any kind.
I slowly tapered myself off of the medication until I thought I could just totally stop.
Well, after the initial side-effects wore off, I actually did begin to feel okay and normal.
Then after about a week I suddenly became very emotional and began having terrible anxiety attacks like I did before I ever had any medication at all, except this was much worse.
I have had feelings of despair and increased insomnia.
I was/am afraid for myself, in the terms that I may not be able to have a normal life again.
I never used to have thoughts of death very often, even when I was feeling very low, but now it's all I can think about.
It hasn't stopped me from "functioning", I can still eat and go outside but I can't shake off these thoughts about death in general.
It has become an obsession and lately I have been trying to find some sort of comforting thoughts/distractions.
I have had to re-start the medication but I want to switch to a different one than Effexor.
I feel so alone sometimes and so afraid, of nothing really.
I have always been a person who believed in life after death, and not just because it's a comforting thought, but also because of experiences I and others have had.
But then the rational side of my mind says, well what if that is all a delusion and when you die, you are just dead and that's it?
So I am kind of fighting with myself and I don't just worry about myself dying, but also about others too.
I really just want to live a long, and if possible, productive life.
The anxiety is driving me a little crazy and this clash of idea's in my head never seems to cease except when I can actually get some sleep, which I take Melotonin to help me.
I have tried St.John's Wort and it gave me very bad headaches for whatever reason.
I am worried all the time and I feel helpless to do anything about this.
I understand and realize that death is something that happens, but what I am afraid of is afterwards, which may sound crazy to some people.
Will everything go black and then I just become nothing?
I am really just afraid of not being self-aware.
I just find it hard to believe that all the struggling of life will lead to nothingness, but how do I know?
Because then that makes me question the reason for being and living in the first place.
I even have feelings of guilt and remorse when I know I haven't done anything wrong.
It's hard for me to sit and write this and keep myself together emotionally, it really is.
But I know I am not alone in this and I do have a loving/caring family, but sometimes my thoughts turn on themselves and I am back where I started again.
For all I know, I could live to be 100 years old, but that would still not erase this deep fear of dying that I seem to have developed.
I think when I quit the meds the way I did, I screwed up my own mind.
I want to live and I don't want to be afraid anymore, that's all I have left to say, oh and thanks for taking time to read this.