by Olivia
(North Carolina)

Ever since I was a little girl (I'm still a teen), I've been totally and completely terrified of dying. Other people's deaths? It's sad, and makes me cry, but doesn't make me scared.

On the other hand, when I think of my own death, whenever that may be, my throat closes up and I feel light-headed. A wave- no, more like tsunami- of fear washes over me and I find it difficult to think of something else, eat, sleep, whatever.

I'm not supposed to be close to my death. I should have at least 60 years, if I'm not involved in a terrible accident. I'm a Christian, but wrestle daily with doubt that there is in fact a heaven, an after-life, and that makes me question my own faith. Reasonably thinking, I shouldn't be so scared. That's what made me believe that it was more serious than I initially thought.

What really does it for me is the thought that my soul will cease to exist. That once I die, that's it. I can no longer think, listen to music, hear my own voice, see a sunrise, or just see mud. The thought that I disappear forever, and can do nothing about it really gets to me. And there are people who believe that, and seem okay with it. I don't understand it.

I haven't met anyone with the same fear as me, certainly not anyone my age. I find myself cherishing everything I hate, just because I have something to hate. The fact that I can hate. It's confusing, and tiring, and just wears me out.

I've never tried to treat it- I'm not very good with confessions, confrontations, and whatnot, so I haven't even told my mother how I feel. I really feel that this is damaging, and am not sure what to do. I only hope that it doesn't get worse before I get the ability to treat it on my own, when I'm an adult, and even closer to dying!

I'm . . . yeah, I'm scared.

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