Social anxiety? HELP

by Evelyn

Okay, to be honest, I do NOT know if I have social anxiety I just couldn't find another word for it. I guess I should give an example. So, a while back my mom asked me to go ask some guy at the video game store how much this game cost and I literally was fighting her and telling her how I didn't want to go. I just got really nervous and my hands started shaking and fidgeting around and my voice shook when I asked the guy about the game. Or like when you have to order how much ham you want at the supermarket I just get REALLY nervous and mumble and stutter a lot and I shake. And I wake up every day and as I get ready for school I just worry and think about all the things that could go wrong if I have to read to the class and worry how embarrassing it'll be if I do something stupid in public. I guess it all started when I was 11, I'm 14 now, and we had moved back to Mexico. My Spanish wasn't as good as it is now and I would mess up on pronunciation a lot or when I was speaking I would stutter and mess up a lot of the words and my friends/classmates would just laugh and make fun of me, resulting in me messing up even more around them. My Spanish is better know but I just can't get over that fear. It grew from just speaking in public to fearing I'll do something stupid and people will laugh at me and I feel like everyone is making fun of me. Like, when I can hear someone's laugh I think they're laughing at me. Or whenever I'm just in public by myself I shake and my heart pounds faster and faster and I fear I'm going to mess something up or trip over something and fall or that everyone is just laughing or making fun of me. And just recently I noticed I can't look people in the eyes. Like when you pass a stranger in public and you have that awkward eye contact, I just freak out and have a mini heart attack and dart my eyes to a different object. I have my head down and I feel like everyone is just staring at me and making fun of me and laughing at me and it's horrible. I literally hear their laughs or nasty comments about me in my head and freak out and just get scared of being in public or when there is a lot of people around me. I guess another reason could be that we have moved states in Mexico and I had barely gotten used to the first place and my friends didn't mind me messing up sometimes when we had to move states. In this different state I've changed schools 3 times in 1 school year. And, since I'm writing everything, the kids in my class actually bully me for my knowledge of English. I guess it's a ''friendly'' bullying as some people would say but, me being the way I am, it really bothers me/hurts me. They call me OpenEnglish, which is a site to learn English for free, and talk to me like I'm freaking stupid. Or when I mess up a word in Spanish they don't let me forget about it for WEEKS. Another example is when I have to read out loud in class, which I absolutely DREAD, they tell the teacher I can't read in Spanish and they should pick someone else. In my opinion, it's just making my fear even worse. Even though I have friends who don't really mind my knowledge of English or help me out when I don't know a word, I just can't stand it anymore. One of the 4 friends I have bullied me a lot for my English, for my looks, for my height ( I'm one of the tallest girls), for my stuttering, for my fear of talking in public, pretty much for me just being me. My fear is just getting worse and I'm afraid that it will make me get back into my self-harm problem, which I have been clean for 3 months, and I would really like some help of getting over my stupid fear. It's just getting worse, I don't go out as much as I used to, the only thing on my mind is the constant worry of messing up, doing something stupid in a public place and the constant replay of the things people tell me at school. I would really like some help and thank you for the taking the time of reading this.

- Evelyn, 14 year old girl, living in Mexico.

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