So many little time

by Sheila

Surrounded on all sides I feel trapped by my phobias..if its not one, its another. Sometimes I feel like such a mental case.

I have agoraphobia. I struggle in any large groups. Im going to a concert tonight and Im freaking out. It is a smaller setting (or so they say) of 850 people. When I read that I laughed..850 to me is like a small city converged around ME! I don't know if I will end up going or not. I tend to back out of public events at the last minute as anxiety takes over.

I also have a problem with germs..I wouldn't say its extreme because its almost like the agoraphobia takes over when I am out in public and the germiness of things takes a back seat..but it is always there..know what I mean? If someone sneezes I just about die..I try and hold my breath as long as I can but I know their molecules are on me..15 feet..did you know that..thats how far a sneeze travels.

And just when you think..ok she isn't that bad off..I am also a claustrophobe. Can't handle small spaces. Worst ever is being in someplace like a store looking at something and someone blocks my path out..oh dear. Or if Im in my walk-in closet and someone blocks the door. I work in a small space and have had to work really hard on being calm enough to do my job and not freaking out about the space I am in. I've challenged myself in my career choice and am glad as I think I would want to be a total recluse if I didn't.

Still not convinced I'm struggling? :) I don't like heights either. A three step ladder is about it for me. I also can't handle people touching me..I don't know if its touch or germs or a combination of them all. I won't wear turtle-necks (totally related to my claustrophobia). I can't handle touching wool...I feel the fibres on my hands for days after..its awful. I honestly can't handle any material that is scratchy. And don't even get me started on SAND...oh dear...if my feet get anywhere near it Im a mess.

I could go on..and on. But I won't. The reason I posted is because I feel so alone in this. I have a great counsellor who I see when I feel completely trapped by my phobias and she grounds me a bit but its never long before they resurface...its a management thing I suppose. I don't take meds of any kind and I don't think Id like to be..I would however feel a little less alone if I knew some more people with multiple phobias.

Im 42 and I feel like my whole life has been about phobias. I long for normalcy. What is that anyway?

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