satisfaction phobia

by nisha
(chino ca. US)

almost myself, but not

almost myself, but not

There is a mechanism that is triggered each and every time a desire rises in me. It is triggered with any desire, wehter it is to visit my grandma or to go to college. The mechanism is celebrated by the people in my life, making it (to me ) impossible to ever really overcome. The worst inhibitions are in the area of greatest importance like livelyhood and romance. The mechanism is so complete that I feel as though my life can never improve without hurting anybody (because so many are dependant on this mechanism to function for their benifit). The mechanism is fueled by my overwhelming desire not to cause harm to another, this is a ten year old fear that has taken over every aspect of my life. I am 37 years old and still have not achieved any of the important basic logistical components that define and designate an individual as a functional adult. I have children and the only solution I have come up with is to not have any desire of my own, and to just support and encourage their desires even when (as is ususly the case ) their desires are antithetical to my own. I live in tourment as I experience watching a once very confident and acomplished strong woman, become an aborated form of herself, I never thought of anything like this or have never known anyone like this , so fearful and inhibited.I believe that this is a two way fear. On the one hand you have a person who has this fear, and when a person has a fear there are always people nearby who would exploit that fear.This is how my condition began. it was general exploitation. then it evoled into a situation where there is a belief on both sides, that there is a need for these fears. and that we could not get by without it.the more it goes on , the more dependency on the behavior. I feel that this has gone on long enough, and that I have reached the end of my desire to give to my loved ones in this way. Because these days the giving up of my basic desires is a lot deeper than it should ever be.

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