Sarmossaphobic (fear of dating)
Like all little girls, I imagined what it would be like to be in love, have a boyfriend, be in a relationship. Now, I'm 16 and i'm not saying i'm looking for love...on the contrary, I don't think I could handle being in love right now. I'm sorry, I'm not explaining this right...
Ok. My first boyfriend, I was in 8th grade and he was a sophomore in high school...he called me beautiful. But he was in boarding school and in a different state...so we called it quits pretty quickly.
Second boyfriend. I was just about to enter high school. I met him at a pool party, and he told me he loved me. He didn't love me...he loved love or the idea of being in love. I got scared pretty early on, anxiety, but i kept telling myself he was sweet, he loved me, what more could i want? I never told my parents about him, because i was afraid to admit he was my boyfriend. On our three week anniversary, I broke up with him. We only met that one time at the party; the rest was AIM, phone conversations, and myspace. Every time i would think about talking to him i would get anxious and my heart races, but not in a good way. It scared me so I bolted.
Third boyfriend...well we'll skip that one, because this kid was creeper. We only dated for a week (if asked, i say three days).
Fourth boyfriend. I don't know what love is, but I think this is the closest i've ever gotten. Guys never see me past one thing, my boobs. They're big and I'm young...perfect combination, because everyone knows the younger ones give it up easier. Not this one. This one was just a summer fling, a week at summer camp and another week beforehand of flirting (the camp was four weeks long.) He broke my heart early on, but managed to find super glue to piece it back together. He took it slow with me at first (or at least as slow as you can in a week until your separated by 5 states). He made sure, I knew that he cared about me...it wasn't just a hook up he was looking for. He made sure everyone knew it. He was the first guy I never got anxiety when thinking about or feeling oddly depressed or wrong...I can't understand what's so different about him, was it because I knew our relationship would end soon so i didn't have to fear commitment, or maybe it was because we practically lived together. I mean we ate together, took classes together, and hung out together. Every moment allowable we spent together, so maybe it was because i didn't have much down time to fear him, us. I do remember however waking up every morning, fearing he would start ignoring, and tell me it was just a hookup to him. But he always proved me wrong...always.
5th not boyfriend but applicable to the story. New Year's Eve. I met a cute college guy. Not the first to express interest, because once again, I'm young and have huge tits. This guy seemed sweet, though. A little stoned, but sweet. He ended up being my midnight kiss, and I gave him my number. The next day, that feeling of inexplicable wrongness was back. I wasn't even dating this kid, yet, and I was already getting those symptoms again. So I turned cold towards him. Started ignoring his texts which only multiplied. Told him not to contact me again, and the texts grew exponentially. He also called, left messages. I think he called me 10 times before he finally stopped. 10 times in a 6 day period. One day he called me four times. FOUR!!! I talked to friends about this and they couldn't see why i was acting the way i was. Why i was being so guarded around him. I couldn't explain this phobia.
6th current boyfriend. We've been dating since the inauguration, and I really like him. But we go to different schools. He doesn't have a car, and I don't have my 6 months so we haven't been out yet. He calls me...which i hate talking on the phone, i prefer texting which he doesn't have. He's a year older than me, a senior in high school. He called me twice last night, and i purposely didn't answer. This feeling scares me, and it makes me make up excuses why i can't go out with these guys.
I don't want to detach myself from him I like I did the others. I want to be a normal teenager, with normal relationships without having to worry about these irrational fears. I don't want this to translate into my adult life. I want to someday fall in love, but I know I won't if I don't figure this thing out. I'm not even quite sure what exactly I fear. All I know is I need help, so if anyone has advice or a similar story...please help me.