Phobia of talking

by Jane

Hi all.

I'm female 20 years old. I've had this phobia of talking since I was 17.

It really sucks.

I think my mind is too imaginative.

The reason why I'm afraid of talking is that I'm afraid I'll speak something bad that is not what I originally meant to say.

I'm not a bad girl, not a pickpocket.
But my mind is too imaginative.
I'm so afraid being labeled as the negative ones in this world, getting the feeling of disgust and hate from people, moreover if they laughed at my family. But my mind seems so cruel. They think as if I really were those negative images, threatening to say some words in the real life as if I've done anything bad.

The worst of all, my classmates at college think I'm a bad girl. It's because this uncontrolled mouth and my too imaginative brain. And most of all, my fear of negativity and what people usually do to the negative people. They've caught my murmurs while my mind's rolling crazily. It's always when I say I'm not like that negative image in my mind, the wilder the process of thought'll be.

Once again, I'm not a bad girl. I don't steal other people possesions. I hate making people sad. I hate looking down on people. I hate making bad wishes for anyone. I hate believing bad things about me or my family while in fact we're good people.

But my mind... they tell me like that.

I was so sad when I heard some friends talking behind me. They said I'm cheap.

In fact, I'm not. I don't want to be touched in the way a cheap woman would do, even by a boyfriend. I really respect myself and others. In fact, I haven't done anything like that.

So I'm not often talking. Walking in front of others is a pain, my lips often tremble, my mind works crazily. Any relatives come to my house, I hide. I don't want to hurt them with my too imaginative thought. I've stopped my study at college, now jobless.

Do you have a problem like mine?
Seriously... this of talking phobia really sucks.
I just hope I can overcome it one day.

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