Phobia of hearing my own first name

ever since my horrible experience at school
i just cant seem to stop myself from freaking out,
since i was really badly bullied at the time
and a number of my classmates would repeat
my name often, it wasn't uncommon for me
to wake up with one of them shaking me most
often accompanied by them calling my name
as none of them quite understood my condition.

i suffer from narcolepsy so it isn't wasn't
at all uncommon for me to accidentally
doze off on the spot and a few times
i woke up only to later find out someone
had drawn on my face or was yelling at me...

just hearing my name now makes me relive
the whole event which is problematic at
the best of times, i try to use my
middle name as an alternative but
no matter what i do and how many times
i try to tell my doctor and others
to use that instead they just don't
seem to want to listen...

i've suffered a number of panic attacks
because of it and im honestly unsure
what to do with myself at this point.

i want to focus on getting into collage
but with this problem it seems like its
hard to even leave my room everyday...

i hope one day i can overcome this
but it looks like im a long way away
from being able to do that still.

i can only hope that somehow everything
will change someday...

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