Phobia of death and affection from others

by anonamous
(masterton,newzealand)

i am a 14 year old girl,i go to wairarapa college and i have wonderful friends, the problem is that at times i can be terrified of them, this happens alot but i have learned to use an aloof demeanour so no body knows, i get so scared sometimes that I say i need to o to the bathroom and i either vomit or cry uncontrollably really cant deal with it. i am so scare of others touching my skin/clothes that i have started to sit alone. its so hard when i am at a family reunion or gathering i can go to the bathroom once every half an hour to vomit because every one wants a hug.

my close family,(e.g my parents and siblings) arnt much better, i cant sit on the couch with them, a kiss on the cheek is as far as i will go, my sister is like my best friend and i havent been in half a metre of her in 2 weeks. i recently moved in with my mum because her and her partner work until late at night and i feel safe when no ones around. i really liked a boy from school and he liked me and we tried going out but he found me vomiting in his toilet only from him touching me shoulder. so we ended it.

i am missing school because i cant deal with going through the corridors with so many students. at night i pray that god will keep me safe from buglers and thieves and murderers for up to 2 hours, i sleep with my bible because i read in a book it will scaRE away bad people. i am scared my mum has abandoned me when its quiet at night so i get up and cheek to see if she is still there.

even though i feel more comfortable when no ones around i still walk round with a glass bottle so then i can have a defence if an attacker is about.

i am so afraid of dying, i cant go outside alone in case i get hit bye a car and no one will be able to find me.

i sleep with the light on and if i cant see something in the room (eg. just the out line) i will cry until i fall asleep. i am afraid of strangers and even if there is only 1 person i will cross the road and be on the other side until thy pass then i will do the same if someone appears on the other side.

i dont know why these things are happening to me.
i have a councilor,at school, she is very nice but i cant etll her about this. i cant tell anyone.
when i found this site i thought at least i dont know these people but so far it has taken me a week to get around to writing it.

i think the car thing might be associated with an incident once when i was 10 and hit by a car while i was on a bike but everything else started before that.

if your reading this, please contact me if you can i really need to work this out.

my life is really mixed up and to tell everything i would be here for hours but i cant be.

its just so hard to have the ones you love scare you, you want to have them close but when they get to close you want them on the other side of the planet.

i dnt want pity,i want help. :(

thank-you for reading it and if you cant help thankyou anyway and i pray that your assistance will be greatly thanked buy someone who needs it. :) thankyou again

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