i'm terrified of dying

by Jazz

I was never terrified scared of dying before but I feel that using certain drugs in my past has had a huge impact and I'm always checking my pulse.

If I have any type of pain on my body I will assume it is a disease or envision myself at the hospital and finding out that I have some kind of strange uncurable problem.

I can't watch certain shows, like House, or shows that have patients that are dying without giving myself a diagnosis or racing to the internet to see if I have the symptoms of a disease.

It drives me crazy, and when I'm trying to fall asleep I can only concentrate on my heart throbbing.

Soon as I think I'm going to die, I go pail and I almost faint or think I am going to faint. I drink a lot of water because I'm scared I'm going to get dizzy and fall over.

I've come to realize that I have bad panic attacks and everything suddenly gets distant from me and I can't breathe. I usually sit down or eat or have a smoke.. but then I think that having a smoke is going to result in a heart attack, therefore I have cut down hugely on smoking.
This is a nightmare.