I'm Afraid of Life

by Ke T
(Malaysia, Ipoh)

I'm 14 this year, I'm the youngest in my family. I have depression and I'm even taking pills. I see a psych once a week and it's completely useless if not worse.
School is about to start in a few days and I'm so afraid. I never liked school but these past few years have been hell for me. Living in fear every single day and nothing that can cure it. I don't even know what I'm afraid of, all I know is I get so scared when I leave even my own room. And I sure as hell can't tell my parents about it, the only thing they'll do is say 'It's nothing.' or 'It's your fault.'
Suicidal thoughts come to my mind every few seconds and I gotta admit, dying is a lot better than living in this cruel world. The only reason why I haven't killed myself is because I'm afraid it'd hurt. I don't see any reason for me to live, I'm just a burden to my family, my friends, my school and anyone even remotely related to me.
The only person/thing that I'm not afraid of is my hugging pillow. I had it ever since I was a kid and whenever I'm not around it I feel unsafe for some reason. It's kinda like talking to myself, except that I use this pillow instead of a wall or thin air. This pillow, as ridiculous as it may sound is the only thing that gives me comfort.
I give up everything. This world is better off without me.

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