I have a fear of death and after death

(Northern Ireland)

I'm 18 and have not dealt with my fear, i have had over whelming fear of death and after death for as long as i can remember.

My earliest memory of this comes from childhood memories and primary school i think i started worrying when i was about 7 and its stuck from then really. I would get really uncomfortable talking about my parents age and hearing them talk about it, i use to get my mum to tell me that she was young and not old, until i felt calmer.

Although this is not a strong as it use to be, and i dont feel uncomfortable about birthdays the thoughts of getting to old and approaching death, that is something i struggle with.

The most common thing i do is to think about at night it does not effect me so much during the day except if im having a really bad day, and over recent years its becoming more occurring. As a child i remember thinking about death and feeling upset but never understanding my feelings.

As ive got older and i guess more educated, the thoughts stay in my minds for days at a time, when before it just use to be random nyts. i use to put it down to films, which now i have establish that when i watch a film i find too disturbing i will then think about it later. although i enjoy watching horror films, i know that with watching them i must except the fact it was take longer to get to sleep that nyt

My fear is not of dying, i understand that everyone must die including myself. and i dont want to be immortal as i know i would be unhappy and in the end wish to die. but to not exist, to have a purpose and if the purpose in this life is so short lived. then why bother?

I know this comes from stress, and when i feel stressed or feel trapped i route back to this fear.

I bring religion into this a lot as i long to believe in something, but debate and doubt too much at times to even begin to try. and then i wonder about all those people who follow religion and lead good lives, do they simple go to hell or where ever bad souls go?

When i was younger this helped by believing in God and telling myself over and over again he was real and i believed in calmed me. But now that method doesnt work, and all i seem to do is cry for my friends, for my family and for myself.

this feels like only the tip of my problem and already i know i have spoken alot about this but feel i cannot go further into detail about without becoming trapped in thoughts.

Anyway i know this is too long so if one person even managed to read half way, i appreciate it more than u can imagine.

I would sign my name but im too embarrassed.

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