I am afraid to have fun

by Alan
(Crestwood, MO)

I am afraid to have fun. I cant even do anything silly like dance to a good song when I am alone. If I start to, I become gripped with anxiety and fall to my knees crying in shame. I cant stand the sound of crowds cheering. When I hear it, I get so scared I have to hide my face. In my hands if I am alone or in my mind if I am amongst people. I don't know what to do. I feel so isolated I am afraid to allow myself to get social with people so I cant be in the situation. I am grateful that I can fake for the surface interactions. Noone really knows how I feel. I don't tell them cause I don't want pity, or well meaning immersion.

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