Fear of real food. Christmas is the worst day of the year.

for the past 18 years i have fear of real food. the thought of Christmas lunch makes me sick. everyone at the table asks the same fucking questions every year. all i eat is breads rolls.

I am currently 20 years old. my body is underdeveloped because of the lack of nutrients over my life. I cant remember the last time i ate a proper meal. I'm not eve sure if i have food phobia, because i do like fish and chips and mcdonalds. it could be just natural foods. Because all i eat is processed crap from fast food joints.

i am a filmmaker and tomorrow i have an organized dinner with a interviewee. my crew will be there i am thinking of a way to get out of it. on Friday we had to eat before a shoot. so we all went to Don doms. a chinese place. I ate about 1/20th of my meal. Even the rice was disgusting. its not even the fact the food tastes bad, i could tell that i liked the taste of chicken there. but because my mind thought it was going to taste bad, it did. The first thing i ate there was this white thing which was crunchy and looked like a big piece of pasta. my friend said taste it. I did. i almost threw up instantly. i never ate in front of my ex gf. except fish and chips one day.

I just wish i was normal and ate normal foods. I am so sick of fast food its unbelievable. My body doesnt even get hungry any more. I've had two sausage rolls today from the only bakery which i buy them from. and i aint even hungry like 8 hours later. I am so afraid that i'll die.

I cant even believe that my body has lasted this long on the crap i've been eating. i am sure that this is a weak story compared to everyone else out there. I used to think, "no worries, in 5 years i'll eat fine." but i cant ever see myself eating like a normal person. this is going to effect this rest of my life.

Alexander