Fear of love or emotional attachment

by Solace

I think I have philophobia; the fear of love or emotional attachment.

I'm young, but I feel so old sometimes. I've been referred by some as an "old soul" and " incarnate" adults and classmates constantly say I look and act like very mature, and beyond the age I really am. With all candor, I feel.... for lack of a better term; lost.

My close friend recently told me that I am the strongest person she knows, my heart stopped when she said this. Don't get me wrong; I spent every waking moment putting up a facade so no one sees a single weak moment. Maybe my friend is right, I am strong, when I consider some of the things I've been through, (yes I know this is starting to sound vain or whiny, but I think I have been through a few things that a lot of teenagers haven't had to deal with) I never let them see my tears, I never allowed myself to be weaker just because of those events, and I never talk about it to friends; Most would say this is unhealthy. It's the only thing keeping me from falling apart.
But still, my heart stopped when she said I was strong, I am. And at the same time, I'm anything but that.

If I can't open up to my friends and family, how can I ever open up to anyone else? Most girls my age have started having crushes since middle school, or even younger. I am in my third year of high school and have only ever felt anything for one guy. He was a great friend ever since elementary school, we stopped talking to each other around three years ago, yet he lives right next door. I want to be friends again at the very least, but have no idea how. I’ve wanted to try talking to him but he’s never around. I don’t know what to do or say.
I think that when I have feelings for someone, I tuck them away in an airtight box, safe and sound. I’m afraid of letting my emotions out of that box.

I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to risk love.

I’m not looking for comments or answers. I don’t expect to find an answer.
I just need you to know. Because he never will.

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