Fear of Dying
Save Me From This Fear
My story is awful, awful enough where I am up being consumed by it right now at 2am and blogging about it. Fear of dying consumes me, and very little people know it. I am not only afraid to die, but in every single aspect of death attached with it. I am afraid of my closest loves dying, I am afraid to take any medication or give medication in fear of dying.
Sometimes I cancel plans if I have a fear/attack/premonition of something bad happening. Death is consuming my life. I can be completely fine one minute and suddenly break out in tears scared out of my mind that I dont want to die. I lie awake often imagining all the ways I am going to die, sometimes even of others around me. This is creepy. And I cant stop it,
It has been going on for years,and is only getting worse. I even often intentionally discuss things to people on how I dont want to die, and leave hints in my messages of things I would like after im gone to happen.
I am a normal happy go lucky person, some small medical problems with my stomach. But since I was diagnosed with the issues I have, I assume that meant my days were numbered. I have lost tons of people in my life, and I lost some very close ones. And perhaps it was traumatizing, but everyone has someone die and they are normal.
I dont know what to do anymore. I catch myself always thinking of death, keeping myself up at night, or envisioning awful things if I know we are going on a trip. I am more the pessimist of death but not so true in my ordinary life. Im very confused if this is normal behaviour. It has gotten bad enough in the last few years where I only take my prescript pills, and Tylenol. and at times pain can be excruciating if I get hurt and I am paranoid to take anything I am not used to, thinking I may die.
When I take something new prescribed I make it a point to tell someone at the time I am taking this pill. Im crazy. Even worse I have started this with my own children, I dont like giving them anything without looking over the label 5 or 6 times and I usually under dose them for precaution. If any new prescription is needed to be taken I research it a million times through the internet and with contradictions to any other current medication and I call the doctor and pharmacist to make sure. I know thats a good safety precaution, but its really my phobia taking over.
The worst thing about this fear of dying is when I know times my husband and myself will go away with out my children, I leave many small notes hidden throughout the house of I love you forever and please be good, in case I never see them again..this is so sad.. I often find myself repeating my rules to my children and family if I was to die, what I expect out of them all. I am to paranoid. I am sick of the crying and images and precautions.
I want to be normal and when it happens it happens, and I pray its not as bad as some awful horror stories I have read..perhaps that makes my phobia worse,s omeone handing out flyers one day handed me a article on dying, and it was so awful and sad, I kept it out on my fridge for over a year so other people could see the view of death in a different way than we imagined.
It was on how when we die,it is a horrible horrible experience of pain and torture, author was speaking of dying and coming back. Apparently it was so bad it went on for a full page, how death is the worst pain one will ever feel, and even one mistake GOD will never allow you into heaven and Hell is where all goes and tortured souls,,,o this was just awful and it scares me even more.. cause who really knows. I believe in GOD whole heartedly, I do not go to church anymore, Fear in part of going alone and GOD not excepting my sins. Im so scared that no matter what we do on this earth it is a sin, and we will never go to Heaven.
I do bad things but when I stop and look and compare to others, I dont even register on the book of bad..I have barely ever been in any real trouble, never to jail, or any trouble with authority(one minor family altercations),always try to impress people. I help out people who need help,I try to do the good thing as much as possible, yet I do have flaws and do bad things i shouldnt have. And im not sure why I do or did ,I dont know if I was just sick of people assuming I was a goody two shoes and needed to be bad, or what it was. But some things I am so ashamed of in my life, I wish I never did, and when I look back cant imagine I did them.
Anyway back to death this all ties into death, I am afraid of the bad things I did will always out way all the good I try to do to erase the bad, I just wish there was a way we knew for sure Heaven was waiting for us and how it feels to die. I am so scared because I would leave everyone behind and they will forget all about me. I always say I want to die of old age and natural causes, but I wonder and appreciate how lucky the older people are to still be here.
I want to grow and watch my children have children and enjoy every moment .Now if we all had to go at the same time, I wonder if it would be any different. I just want to not be so scared of dying, I dont want to except it so it can happen sooner, I just want to deal with it ,in the aspect that I know I have my place with GOD when my time has come.