Fear of Being In a Happy Relationship

I have searched and searched and searched and found absolutely no one else with this phobia,Fear of Being In a Happy Relationship . Not sure if I'll ever get relief from it.

When I was a kid, whenever my older siblings were going out on a date, my unstable mother would yell, scream, throw things, slam doors, give us the silent treatment, and be furious for days. When she was completely losing control she refused to let us younger kids leave the room and so we had prolonged exposure how angry their dating made her. We were terrified by her bizzarre response to this very natural part of life. My siblings would leave and go off and their dates and my mother continued to rage at the rest of us. When they got engaged to their respective mates and started planning their weddings it got even worse. She also hated it when us kids were laughing and having fun...so she destroyed our good times every single time.

What I've turned into is a 48 year old lonely, isolated woman who has never had a happy, healthy relationship because I honestly believe that if I am in a happy healthy relationship and having fun...she (mother) will kill me. If I date at all I date emotionally abusive men that I have no future with...it goes good for awhile then they reject me repeatedly. I spend most of my time sad and alone because then I know "she" won't get mad at me.

Now, the very thought of dating or having fun terrifies me. I start to cry and shake like I did as a child.

There's no book or DVD on this one, trust me, I've searched. If I can't find relief, I truly pray for my life to end. I've gone to over 10 cousellors who all claim they will end this torture for me and NONE of them have. I've spent literally thousands of dollars and am in the same place I started over 40 years ago!

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