fear of being alone!
I used to be so independent having my own apartment and furnish it the way I want. suddenly one day I have found myself fear of being alone in my apartment. I started fixing this issue by going out for a drive and drive hours after hours until I am exhausted and want to go home. I have no fear of driving or no fear of being alone outside. It is just that when I am alone in my apartment I started having fear of being in fear OR fear of having panic attack. This started affecting my life so bad that I began to ask my friend to stay overnight and started becoming very much dependent.
later on I found out that I do not even need anyone to be physically present at home as long as I have the reassurance that I have access to someone if I become sick or have a panic attack. If I could have that reassurance that " I am here for your 24/7 and you can call me anytime to get help", that is good enough for me, No need for someone to be physically present. I was leaving all alone with no family in a foreign land. I was feeling totally isolated and felt like I would not get any help from any one in case I become sick or I feel restless.
One more thing to note that I happens only after I come back from work. It never happens during day time or during weekend day time. It happens only in the afternoon, evening and at night.
when I look back to find it when it all began, I remember a time when I became very sick and I could not find anyone to come and help me or give me some comfort. Everyone is just busy with their life and will not have time for someone sick. That socked me and I guess that was a rude awakening in my case. Since then, I constantly asked for attention or some sort of a reassurance.
This fear became so intense and go worse when my best friend, whom I relied upon very much, left town to get a job in Toronto. It was such a sock when I came to know that he was leaving. From that point on, the phobia really started to kick with all forces.
following the realization that God has always been helping me and it is I who made up all these notions that God is punishing me or putting me in trouble, this phobia almost went away. But then my room mate suddenly decided to go away for 1 month and I was again in a dilemma that I might face the fear of panic attack again. But somewhere deep I find hope, courage and confidence that this time It should be fine. But I did not want to put my recuperating period to test. Hence, I rented a room just for the month of October ( room in a shared accommodation where there are tons of people around) just in case I have panic attack in the middle of night. and Again, I knew that there is a place I have where I can crash in case it is necessary, the calmness settled in. I am almost certainly sure that I may not need to actually stay in that room for the next 1 month.
I have gained the trust on God ( I am still recovering so it is not 100% done yet ) but I still need to gain back my trust on people. Once the trust is back, I think this fear of isolation will be gone forever.
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