Extreme fear or phobia when it comes to commitment/romantic love
I am a hopeless romantic with an extreme fear or phobia when it comes to commitment/romantic love. I have been in countless relationships that almost always start out like some sort of romance novel, great sex, intense connection, wanting to spend every moment together.
Soon I'm obsessing over the person, I quickly picture kids, marriage, a lifelong commitment and oh it seems like SUCH a good idea. I focus on everything I love about the person and I think this time it will work, this will be the one.
But usually within 2 to 4 months I start freaking out. Everything takes a turn to the opposite extreme until just being around the person at all causes me such extreme anxiety that I can barely function. I begin to believe the person has ulterior motives.
I convince myself that there are many things that are very, very wrong with the other person's character until just the idea of them touching me makes my skin crawl.
I completely shut them out, I stop communicating. My mind goes blank and my heart turns to stone. The other person is understandably upset, hurt, and feels abandoned. They don't know what they did wrong.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse which I'm sure is the cause of this. Also the only long term relationships I have had as an adult have been abusive and hurtful. I know this is why I do this but I don't know how to stop doing it.
It seems so deeply engrained into my soul that a lot of the time I believe I am just broken and incapable of allowing myself to be loved. It's pretty depressing and frustrating.
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