Confused. Philiphobia.

by Georgia R
(England)

Like the symptoms say, I have certainly grown apart from my family. Since I am only seventeen, and not really in a state of mind to be in a relationship, I think it is affecting my bonds with my family. I don't feel close to them anymore, and I mostly feel nervous, awkward or unnecessary when I'm around family members.
It's really lonely and frustrating, as I used to be extremely close to them, but now it feels as if I'm missing out on precious time and love with them. I feel it's my fault, but self-pity won't help.
I can't tell my parents, as they wouldn't care enough to understand. They'd just call me stupid for feeling this way. As if it's a choice.
This has also caused me to stay away from any kind of relationship. Any time I have had a boyfriend in the past, it lasted for the most a couple of days before I began to feel loathing and sick and nervous. I just couldn't be with them. Most recently I was with a girl (Yes, I'm a girl too.) But it wasn't exactly a real 'thing'. We'd never met, but I really like her. Since we'd never met, I'm concluding that to be the reason of why it lasted so long. But the feelings of dread and anxiety definitely came several times. It didn't progress to anything and I ended up hurting not only myself but another person, a lot.
I do get short of breath, have an erratic heart, have anxiety attacks, feel overly nervous. I'm also suffering with severe migraines and stress. This has produced an anxiety dissorder, which I'm keeping quiet about, on account of the very supporting parents. I sometimes feel like I may be going mad.
When you feel alone and unable to love or be loved, nothing flows right. I'm depressed, I'm losing weight (And I'm liking it!) I'm verging on the edge of insanity. And to top it off, I'll be having my university interviews very soon. This phobia, if I have it, has ruined my life thus far. I'm thinking of cutting it short, as I feel no need or want for anything. Just a 'why bother?'. The source of the problem probably stemmed from my Grandma dying. It could be multiple things though. It doesn't matter. Either way I'm stuck with it and I can't put up with it much longer.

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