Apeirophobia is eating me alive

by Paul
(New York )

I recently just realized in my life that
I have apeirophobia. Which is fear of eternity
and things lasting for ever. I had it years before,
but didn't begin to recognize it as a problem just a few
weeks ago maybe.

I wish i could stop it, but it seems
impossible. It ruins my life. I wan't
to enjoy my life, but it always get's in the
way and steals me of happiness. When ever
I think about it i just want to commit suicide.
Sounds crazy doesn't it?

I also believe in life after death, but
I fear that eventually throughout eternity
I will eventually reach a point where i
have experienced everything, learned everything, done
everything, met everyone, and eventually i am gonna
be stuck being bored of being in existance but
i'm gonna have no way out no matter how much i want
it to be so. And even though that would take a very very long time to reach, my reasoning is, eventually it will happen, and all that time in the midst of eternity coming up to that point will seem like a blink of an eye, because time is no more then a perception and measurement, an idea that we give to days and so on and so forth. This is partly just hypothetically speaking though because of course, no one actually knows what EXACTLY is after death.
No offense to anyone who is reading this and might have religious views, but no one who is living at this era has died and come back, although i am aware of that fact that there are people who claim that, but i'm very skeptical of what type of person he/she was or is.

Over the years i've had minor irrational
phobias that naturally i just got over,
like fear of asteroids falling down on
earth. Now when i think of that i laugh.
But this one phobia i just can NOT get
over. It's torture, hell on earth i would
call it. I wish i could enjoy my life to the
fullest; I'm young, attractive, have a great
loving partner, and have big plans in life,
and physically i have no problems, i'm very healthy.
And, i have a loving family. But it doesn't matter how great you have it in life
around you, even if you were a millionaire,
the intensity of anxiety creates
a smokescreen that covers everything up with its muk and makes nothing enjoyable, and i feel so selfish for feeling this way.
There are people in third world countries
who are lucky to even get one meal a day,
and here i am sulking, but it seems like
i'm trapped in some kind of cold and insensitive mental whirlpool that will never show you any bit of mercy.

I also have another minor phobia, it's
very slight though, and that is the fear of seafood.
Now this one actually kind of makes sense,
because according to my mom i had an
allergic reaction to fish when little,
and it was very bad, but ever since then she
has drilled it into my head about how i should
look out for it, yes i know it's a life and
death situation, but i fear of
seafood being in my food and having an
allergic reaction even when i KNOW there
is no seafood in it what so ever. And
when ever i have this thought i find
it hard to breath (which i due to
my body thinking that i really am
eating something that i am allergic to)
when i really am not.

I also USED to have an OCD tendency
where I would always count "1..2..3..4.."
to the rythm of what i was doing.
So for instance, if i was walking on a floor
with tiles, i would count my steps along with the tiles
"1,2,3,4," over and over again. I also did that
1234 weird thing with other things. Though
thankfully i have seemed to grow out of
that habbit and don't have it anymore nor have
in years.

Though i still have two MINOR ones today,
such as when i clench my jaw a lot, and another
where i am always scratching my head (not
because i'm dirty, but because i feel like
the scratch it not complete until i feel like
it is, and i don't really have to be itching to do
it either) I actually laugh to myself
now that i speak of it,lol. But somehow it
seems irresistable, and i guess that's one
of the aspects of OCD, you just can't help
but do it even though you have no reason in the
world to. But i would not classify myself as
a person with extreme OCD because for one
it doesn't get in the way of my life and it's
only minor, and has gotten less as i get older
in which sometimes I just loose the need to do it.
I just have OCD tendencies.

Back to the subject.

I really hope that i can overcome this
anxiety (apeirophobia). In my heart i believe
it's possible, but in my brain it just
doesn't feel so. Here's the catch.
It seems as though my thinking process
is paradoxical, because even though
the thought of eternity i am not happy
with, at the same time, the thought of just
dying and having that just be it would
be very sad, i would miss all my family,
and my parents, and my closest friends,
and the one that I love, without even
having a conscience to know it. The
thought of being with out a conscience
bugs me too, although i guess that's how
things were before i was born, for no one
remembers before that, if there were anything.

I am a very analytical person. I love
to analyze things and think deeply on
certain issues and topics, and
study how people think, what their true intentions
are, and what lies beneath them personally
that most people don't see,
I'm also good at reading people
when there saying something but intending the
other. Like when my mother was sending
a subliminal message to my cousin
about a girl he liked , that she is thinking
of leaving her fiance and dating him, he
just sat their with no clue so finally i blurted
it out loud what my mom was really saying
through her beat-around-the-bush style of
chatting and he responded "i never would have
guessed your mom was getting at that." Unfortunately i think sometimes my analytical mind leads me to places i shouldn't wonder, but at the same time, i feel as though
eternity isn't something that i necessarily
should be able to comprehend( because no one can) but intsead something that i should be able to think about
without it freaking me out, because i feel as though
if i don't face this fear now, even though i can
go months without it crossing my mind, I have an eternity
to go through in which it will cross my mind endlessly.

I have been able to kind of get away with
putting it in the back of my mind, especially
during busy semesters in college, but recently
it is clinging like a giant tick.

I wanted to share this with others who
possibly think that they might be the
only one suffering from this anxiety, because
your not. Temporarily it helps to vent,
but in the long run i don't know what i'm gonna do.

Sometimes I just want to end it all, but i couldn't
bare doing that because there's too many people
that i love that would break their hearts, it would
be too much of a selfish thing to do.

I always try to find those words, or phrases,
that provide solace and content. Like when
a mother tells her child the reality of the situation when he/she is in fear of something irrational, just a sentence of good reasoning that brings that mind to peace. but none of what my limited mind has come up with and explored has seemed to work.

Hopefully i will meet someone in person someday who has
overcome this.

In the meantime, it's really beginning to get in the way of things..

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